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How to Discipline Your Vampire - Mina Vaughn

Reviewed for Sara at www.HarlequinJunkie.com

Review copy courtesy of the publisher via NetGalley

I'm of two minds on this book. I'm not sure if I want to give it two stars or three. I suppose it doesn't matter so much since whichever one I give it, it'll still only be a mediocre book. I wanted to like it more because it was REALLY funny. But after I was done and thinking about how to write this review, I found myself picking out more and more things that I really didn't like about it.

The female main character, Cerise, is a Domme and is looking for the right man to be her submissive. I was very intrigued by having a female Domme. I'm pretty sure I've never read anything like that before. Maybe it was just me but I felt like Cerise let me down pretty quickly. I never really warmed up to her. She was very picky about her men... but it wasn't just that simple. She was nit-picky. I mean, she had ALL of these specifications about what they had to be able to do, etc and I just felt it was really unrealistic. She wants a guy to be self-employed?? I mean, that alone is enough to make her half to turn away 90% of the men she meets. Come on! Plus she was bitchy and closed off. It just made little to no sense to me. When she finally meets someone who matches her qualifications, we find out that she has SERIOUS commitment issues. But it seemed to me that if she just spoke a little more openly to her sub, things wouldn't be so difficult for them. She's supposed to be this demanding Domme who can take what pleasure she likes while at the same time, know what pleasure or punishment to give her sub and then later, she's supposed to be able to take care of him. But she's not even able to talk out her commitment phobias? To me, that makes her seem weak and it makes her seem like an unreliable Domme. So the conclusion that I came to after finishing the book was that she was a crappy Domme who was kind of a bitch. That didn't make for a great female character.

Then there was William. He's a vampire and he's looking for a Domme for himself. Since he's a vampire, he's had some difficulty in finding someone. He can't really be hurt... paddling him doesn't make his ass red so what's the fun in that? His hands and....other places... are really cold and that seems to bother a lot of his previous Dommes. I felt bad for William because he had such a bad time finding the right partner. I didn't love seeing a man as a submissive though. I found myself thinking that it made him less manly. But it wasn't too bad because the author didn't make William all sniveling and pathetic. I have no idea how she did it, but she did!! So I wasn't disgusted by him but I think he wasn't as sexy as he could have been. I mean, he has all of the vampire powers but it was sort of wasted on him since he was a submissive vampire. Plus, vampire super speed isn't all that sexy. Sure, its cool and fun. But its not particularly sexy. Really, all William was looking for was a companion... someone to love and who would love him back. Needless to say, this was a huge roadblock for Cerise and William!

The main reason that this book got any stars at all is for the humor! It was so funny! Like laugh out loud funny! My favorite parts were with Cerise and Bizzy. Bizzy is Cerise's vagina. Bizzy is a she and she is VERY opinionated. Don't get me wrong: Cerise isn't sitting around having a conversation with her vagina or anything; its more like Bizzy was wondering when William would stop talking and start licking. Silly things like that. Cerise describes her as being kind of a heckler since Bizzy always wants to get down to the dirty, sexy stuff right away! I'm doing a horrible job of explaining it but trust me, I was literally laughing out loud while I was reading this. Bizzy is such a little slut!!! LMAO!!

Something else that kind of bothered me was that it felt like some plot lines just sort of fizzled away and some characters didn't seem to have much purpose. There was a little drama with one of Cerise's ex-subs that I thought would have been a really great way to bring Cerise and William closer but it wasn't ever resolved. He never turned into a full blown stalker or anything. There was just no further mention of him. Then there's Cerise's friend who didn't really do anything or have any kind of arc. She just met with Cerise once or twice and gave Cerise attitude, essentially. I mean, what was the point of either of these things!?

I feel terrible but I just can't recommend this book. It gets an automatic star deduction because it was originally Twilight fan fiction. I feel like its cheating or plagiarism to use characters from another author's book and change their names and then make money on that. Then, I didn't really ever warm up to Cerise and I thought William was stripped of his masculinity. Plenty of laughs enabled me to finish this book but it really didn't do very much for me.